I was going to talk about Persona 5, but that review is taking forever to write, and I haven’t even
started on the artwork yet. SO! I decided to pull a Bethesda and, while I’m
working on the Persona 5 review,
release a small, less impressive review to tide y’all over.
STORY
In the beautiful
underground bunker of Vault 6, a thriving community grows! Amidst the
scientists, mechanics, chefs, and water purifiers lies a dream team trio called
the Vault Convoy! I thought of calling
it the “Fallout fam,” but then I’d have to throw myself out of a ten-story
building while shouting “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I don’t deserve the nice
things I have!”
The Vault Convoy goes out on expeditions throughout
the wasteland. From Super Duper Marts to some vaults and buildings, they complete
quests that are…honestly very similar to quests in Fallout 4. They clear out buildings, search some buildings, kill
raiders, and rescue 50s cartoon mascots. Wait a minute…
Now, you’re
probably wondering: Isn’t this game supposed to be a vault management system
where you grow and maintain a vault of your choosing? Well, you’re correct! But
that’s the LEAST interesting part of the entire game! So uninteresting, in
fact, that I’ve sunk 24 hours into the game on my PC alone. There’s a reason
for that…but we’ll tackle that in GAMEPLAY.
CHARACTERS
I’ll start
out with the Vault Convoy!
Philip Miller
Funnily
enough, this guy ended up being the protagonist. Every time I took the Vault Convoy! out on quests, he was the
one I spoke for with the dialogue options. He’s got a sniper rifle and he’s gettin’ too old for this!
Eugene Jenkins
This guy came
from a lunchbox. It makes sense in context. Equipped with a flamer and with his
trusty dog Lee Harvey Oswald, he’s
the wacky, zany quipping character we’ve all come to know and love!
Eugene Turner
He’s
actually the first dweller of the vault…and also one of the only dwellers who’s
high enough in level to send out on quests reliably! He’s armed with an assault
rifle and he’s gettin’ too old for this!
…y’know, I was going to list some other vault
dwellers of mine, but they’re really just not that special. Heck, even the Vault Convoy feels lifeless. So, let’s
move on to GAMEPLAY!
GAMEPLAY
Loot box
games suck.
Nothin’
better than waiting around for literal hours to get to a quest without payin’
out of your own pocket. This game’s in-game currency is “Nuka Cola Quantum,” and
it’s admittedly reasonably rare. I’ve
been able to comfortably glide through this game without microtransactions so
far, but one day the Quantum’s gonna run out. I get that Bethesda wants to fund
their next games, but loot boxes aren’t the way to go. Or, should I say, lunch boxes. Yup, the in-game version of
a loot box is the vault tech lunch box. The…iconic
vault tech lunch box? I don’t remember those really doing anything in Fallout 4, and I don’t remember them in
any previous titles. Ah well.
I’m going to
be honest, I really like the concept of a game where I build my own little city
and have slight control over what the inhabitants do. Slight control. In this game, you control everything the dwellers do, giving the entire game this creepy,
lifeless vibe. Granted, this is an absolutely perfect representation of how it
would feel to be a vault tech overseer. You’re free to experiment with the
inhabitants as much as you want. Want to have all the future vault dwellers
descend from one guy decked out in royal garb? You can! Want to make a crazy,
militarized state? Go for it! Want to give all the men guns and have the women
work deep in the vault’s science labs, far from the potentially dangerous upper
levels that can become infested with raiders? That’s what I did! (send all
complaints to womenareadorablelittlecaterpillarsthatIdon’twanttoseegetslaughteredbypsychopaths@gmail.com).
Well, that’s how it was at first, anyway. Turns out, if you don’t have every
settler armed to the teeth, the occasional radroach infestation can be quite a
hassle.
The attributes of each dweller vary,
and certain attributes are better suited to working in other departments of the
vault. For example: Dwellers with a high Intelligence can make the med bay produce
stimpaks faster. Makes sense. Then, in the water purification facility,
Perception determines how fast you purify water. Makes a little less sense, but
I guess you have to be able to see whether or not the water is clean or not, so
I can give it a pass. Meanwhile, the diner requires a high Agility…and the
power plant requires Strength. It sort of falls apart after examination, but
one thing’s for certain: Endurance is practically useless in the early parts of
the game. Heck, I’m 24 hours in, and I haven’t found a single use for it. The
Storage rooms say that they require Endurance, but…I mean…you just put boxes in
there.
Another
aspect of the game that’s important is the dwellers’ happiness. If they’re put
in a job they don’t like, or if they don’t have enough food, or if they’re
irradiated and/or in the presence of their deceased loved one, then they’re
going to be rather down in the dumps. The best way to keep ‘em happy is just by
making sure all three of the vault requirements are satisfied: Water, Food, and
Power. This gets really hard to
manage at certain points, and it can lead to some hectic moments. You can choose
to “rush” the production, but there’s at least a 30% chance that there’ll be a
catastrophic failure (radroach infestation or fire, basically). Each time you
try to rush, the chance gets larger, and you just stop trying after a while and
hope for the best.
You can
upgrade rooms, merge three of the same room type together to create a bigger
and better version of the rooms and do something else with the rooms that I
probably forgot about. The fact of the matter is, there is so much to this game than its initial surface value. The only
problem is, it’s in the service of…well, nothing.
Take the Sims, for example. Why would
I spend hours upon hours of my time trying to make some random, soulless
cutouts happy when I could create and customize my own random, soulless
cutouts? There needs to be some
personal investment in the world, otherwise it’s all pointless.
It’s plain
to see that a lot more effort went into this game than most would think. One
small thing that I feel the need to mention is this adorable and hilarious
mechanic in which, if there’s a disaster in a room in the vault, any pregnant
women in the room will run away flailing their arms and going “Aaaaaah!” in a comically overdone fashion
until they find a closet to hide in. THAT’S ACTUALLY IN THIS GAME AND IT’S
GREAT! It never ceased to gain a chuckle out of me. Of course, people are offended about this online because it’s not
depicting women as effortlessly superior, stone-faced men with two X
chromosomes, but I think it’s just precious. Also, remember in the STORY
section how I talked about dialogue interactions? This game does dialogue better
than Fallout 4. It brought back the scrolling dialogue options from Fallout 3 and New Vegas! And it’s great! So, if you’re a really patient soul and don’t mind catering to a bunch of
blank-eyed zombies, then I do recommend this game. Just don’t cave in to the
loot boxes. Don’t encourage that crap.
BEAR DENSITY
There are bears in this game.
SOUNDTRACK
…um…I’m
listening to the Persona 5 soundtrack
right now…does this game have a soundtrack?
*relaunches
the game, turns music on*
…It’s okay.
Some good 40s-style big band music. B+.
GRAPHICS
It
definitely feels like one of those Fallout instructional videos. Very nice,
goofily cartoony artwork mixed with some minor 3D art that I think could have
been replaced with other cartoonish backgrounds. However, I’m not sure how well
the characters would pop out without the CG, so I’ll allow it. One thing I’m
not so much a fan of is the lack of traditional animation. It has what I like
to call “Photoshop Free Transform Tool” animation, or “HISHE” animation, where
everything feels like it’s moving on a hinge rather than dynamically moving. But
it’s a free game, so I don’t expect too much
effort in that regard. It’s still better than Jambo, and I actually paid money for that.
…I actually
paid money for that…
…*sigh*…
CONCLUSION
Ultimately,
I left Fallout Shelter the same way I left Terraria:
cursing it for absorbing my free time that I could’ve spent exercising and going
outside and meeting single, young, Christian women with an equal taste for entertainment
and an equal distaste in left wing policy. That’s not how one should leave a
game. This isn’t a game I could see myself coming back to and enjoying,
but unlike Terraria, I got some
satisfaction from the little time I played it. I still consider it a waste of
time, but it’s a mildly entertaining waste of time.
Some of yous
might be wondering why I chose to play this game in anticipation for the
upcoming Fallout 76 and Blackmarsh (IT CAN HAPPEN, DANGIT!)
when the Elder Scrolls Online exists
and does a slightly better job at imitating Bethesda’s gameplay. Well, I did go back and play it. It was so bland
and unexciting that the only review I could give it is:
NOBODY’S PLAYING THIS GAME ANYMORE,
BETHESDA! STOP RELEASING STUFF FOR IT AND FOCUS ON WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT! Oh, and
news flash: WE CAN ALREADY GO TO MORROWIND AND SUMMERSET ISLE! WHAT ON EARTH DO
THE EXPANSIONS DO?! DO THEY JUST ADD MORE QUESTS WHERE YOU GO AND KILL THE
ENEMIES AND PRESS “E” ON SOMETHING BEFORE THE ENEMIES RESPAWN? WHOOOOOOPDIE DOOOOOO!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Characters: -1
The Prophet is the only character’s
name I can remember.
Story: -2 It was so boring that I found myself just going to Blackmarsh and ignoring everybody.
Gameplay: -2 Click…click…1…R…4…1…1…the enemy’s dead. Until it respawns.
Soundtrack: 1 Actually, it’s pretty good.
Graphics: 0 WHAT’S WRONG WITH BLACK SHALKS, ZENIMAX?! WHAT’D YOU DO TO MORROWIND?!
Bear Density: 5
Final Score: 1/10
The Elder Scrolls Online is like
Arena if it was more boring and time-consuming. Just download Arena or
Daggerfall, they’re great and the combat’s better than Morrowind’s.
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