I like dating sims. That should come
as no surprise judging by the name of this review blog, but that’s not the
reason why I like dating sims.
Granted, a good romance will make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and flirting
with actual human women in a first world country is seen as a social faux pas unless you look exactly like
Chris Hemsworth and/or are at least two to three heads taller than the average human male, but I don’t think dating sims are a substitute for real life human
loooove <3. Still, I like character studies, I like women (NOT LITTLE GIRLS,
STEAM), and I like romance, so dating
sims are technically right up my alley. To anybody out there looking for good
dating sims, I’d recommend Panzermadels:
Tank Dating Simulator, Doki Doki
Literature Club, and (as of today) Jurassic
Heart.
After a particularly slow day due to
severe weather warnings (I tried to ignore
them and go shopping but ended up slipping down my entire outdoor
staircase, so I took it as divine intervention), I decided to see if there
were any good free-to-play indie games on Steam. I’d already played Doki Doki Literature Club, however, so I’d
exhausted Steam’s entire library of quality free-to-play entertainment. Steam
developers seem to believe that the only dating sims that can exist are purely
visual novel-style ILLEGAL
ANIME GIRL dating sims. ENOUGH WITH THE HIGHSCHOOLS, DEVELOPERS! NOTHING’S SEXY
ABOUT 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS! THEY DON’T GOT THE GOODS AND THEY PROBABLY HAVE BRACES AND HAVEN'T GROWN OUT OF THEIR HORSE-LOVING PHASES YET!
So, after plowing through (heh) the
list of dating sims on Steam, I’d decided to do some research.
Somehow, typing this in Google led
me to a “Top 10 Creepiest Dating Sims” list. The list itself completely lacks
any sense of context and self-awareness. I mean, really? Hot Date and Hatoful
Boyfriend are on this list? You speed date dogs in one, and you play as a BIRD
in the other. C’maaan!
The fifteenth item on this list is
the one that intrigued me the most, however: Jurassic Heart. Its premise is simple: You’re an anime schoolgirl (DANGIT)
and you’re buying a new ukulele for your T-rex friend “Taira-kun.” That’s basically
the entire game.
STORY
You start off by naming your character.
I initially went with “Jombo,” but decided that I wasn’t really feeling immersed with such
a common English name. So, I made up a vaguely Japanese-sounding one: Tamahiro-Miko-san!!! I know
approximately 0% about Japanese culture other than the fact that they have
really cool (and occasionally strange) names, so if you think my assumptions
about Japanese names are racist…then…uh…hmm…
Anyway, through some slightly-too-forced
exposition, you’re told that your friend Taira (a giant male T-rex wearing a necktie and nothing else) is looking for
a new ukulele because he dropped his other one while performing. There’s some
pretty hilarious character development on the part of Taira that (while
somewhat predictable) I’m not going to spoil for you just because the entire
game was finished in less than thirty minutes. In fact, I finished it in less than eight minutes. There are three
endings (Good, Terrible, and Normal), and I ended up getting the good ending
because I can read a T-Rex like a book. The “Good” ending is cute, but a bit
predictable. It would have been incredible
if Taira ate you no matter what ending you achieved. Sadly, after replaying the
game for the “Terrible” ending (which took less than two minutes), I can confirm that you will not be hilariously eaten by the giant, well-dressed T-Rex. Shame. (incidentally, I hereby claim “Well-Dressed
T-Rex” as a band name)
Another shameful thing is the fact
that the world isn’t really developed that well. At one point, Tamahiro-Miko-san
mentioned that it’d be easier for Taira to perform the ukulele in front of her
because she was a human. I was under the impression that Taira was the only dinosaur
in the game’s universe. Are there more?
Is there a DINOSAUR SCHOOL that the developer WITHHELD from us? A dating simulator
that takes place in a dinosaur school would have so many opportunities for
comedy. But I mean, c’maaaan! This
game was made over the course of two days by two bored people in 2013. I’m not
really going to tear into it for not delving into the lore of Jurassic Heart.
CHARACTERS
You could fit the script for this
whole game on a napkin (let’s see if anybody gets that reference!), so you’re not going to find any Sten or Wynne-level character development in it. There is an attempt at developing Taira-kun, though, so let’s take a look
at ‘im.
 |
| This took thirty times the amount of time to make than it took to beat the game! |
Taira-Kun
He’s a dinosaur. Um…he’s also shy.
It’s implied that he’s into you in that classic anime way of acting like you’re going to eat his firstborn
child if he so much as verbally acknowledges that you’re attractive…which,
given the current social climate, is strikingly accurate. You find out that he
had an embarrassing moment in front of a crowd and is now shy about playing the
ukulele…but not in front of you! D’awwwwww!!!!
That’s really it when it comes to his character, though. Like I said, it’s
a short, cute game that doesn’t really try to be Mass Effect or Dragon Age,
so it gets a pass.
GAMEPLAY
Already this game is above average
in terms of dating sims. I ACTUALLY GET TO MAKE CHOICES? WHAT? In most visual
novels, they take the term “Visual Novel” a bit too literally. I don’t want an e-book
with decent illustrations, game developers: I want a game. My ideal dating sim is basically just a Bioware game (Bioware Edmonton, of course, not Bioware Montreal) without any of the token combat. Unfortunately, most
developers of dating sims seem to follow this method of gameplay:
1. Introduce player (i.e. reader) to the boy
he’s supposed to be self-inserting onto. This boy is the most uninteresting boy
on the face of the planet, and he usually has a bizarre obsession with
something mundane (like a karate match he has to prepare for or something
equally bleh).
2. Thrust the boy into an alternate
dimension where the only inhabitants are scantily-clad perverted girls WHO ALL
WANT TO SCREW HIM. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. IN
THE LEAST SUBTLE WAY POSSIBLE.
3. Make the boy one hundred percent
determined to find his way back home and stave off the tide of female
attraction by actively avoiding physical contact and talking to the girls like they’re in freakin’ kindergarten (which…at
some points…might be justified…).
4. Write an ending to the game that no reader
will ever find because the “game” takes roughly 400,000+ hours to read through and the
reader cannot identify with the boring schlub they’ve been given as a
protagonist.
Jurassic Heart doesn’t follow this style of “dating
sim visual novel,” because you actually have different options that can affect
the outcome of the game. A game made in two days by two people has more
gameplay than literally any visual novel with the name “Sakura” in the title.
Way to go, Thongrop Rodsavas and Piti Yindee!
BEAR DENSITY
There
aren’t any bears in this game.
SOUNDTRACK
Not a lot to say about this. It’s standard
fare for most visual novels. I’m not sure if the music was purchased rather
than created specifically for this game, but it definitely wouldn’t surprise
me. It serves its purpose and doesn’t hurt to listen to.
GRAPHICS
The graphics are surprisingly good
for the most part. It does have the usual issue of “overly-elaborate
backgrounds with simplistic character art” that plagues most visual novels, but
Piti clearly put more effort into the artwork for the T-Rex than was needed. The
artwork for the “Good” ending was especially heartwarming and would make for a
great desktop wallpaper. In fact…I think I might do that.
CONCLUSION
Ladies and gentlemen, this game is
an adorable little story about a girl and a shy T-Rex who begin to fall in
love. If that doesn’t sell you on the game, I don’t know what will. It’s short
enough to not overstay its welcome, the player has enough agency in the story
to affect its outcome, and it’s got a ton of heart. :3
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Characters:
+1 Unique spin on a romance option that’s
just cute enough to forgive the lack of character development
Story: +1 A fairly simple but unique story
that made me smile
Gameplay: +2 TAKE NOTE, Winged Cloud studios! I CAN ACTUALLY CHOOSE WHAT TO SAY!
Soundtrack: 0 Eh
Graphics: +2 For such a small game, it went above
and beyond the call of duty.
Bear
density: -5
Final Score: -1/10
You should absolutely go play it! It’s
an adorable, fun little game that will leave a smile on your face! :D
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